I stood staring at the ocean,the water lapping at my ankles, waiting for the next wave, hoping it wouldn't take me under. For so long I was stuck under a wave. Every time I had the chance to come up and breathe another one took me right back under. They tell you not to fight the wave, but is that possible when your lungs are burning, just yearning for Oxygen? I felt so trapped; stuck in the middle. I felt like I had no choice but to let the wave push me down and down. And then one day, I learned that eventually every wave lets you up. It may not be when you want it to, but if you're patient, that time will come, and you can feel that crisp, cool air flow through your lungs.
Background:
At the age of 4 my parents divorced, and my dad remarried when I was 5. I lived with my mom until about 2nd grade. Honestly, it wasn't the greatest home to grow up in, it wasn't the safest.
I definitely have trust issues. For the longest time I pushed away anyone who could have any positive influence on me. Though that habit isn't cured, I'm much better at controlling it now. In middle school it hurt some relationships though.
I was said to have accepted Christ at the age of 4 and 9, but I don't think I actually grasped the concept of Savior AND Lord. So often people make Christ their Savior so that they can say they have a "free ticket out of hell", but fail to see that in order to truly accept Jesus you also have to make him Lord. I gave Christ the first part, Savior, but didn't understand the concept of the second.
I'm a people pleaser and grew up acting like the good little Christian girl, but never truly had that relationship.
In the fourth grade I had this best friend,which meant a lot to me because I was picked on In elementary school because of my eyes. She moved back to Tennessee at the end of the year and I hated God for the longest time. How could God do that to me? He knew everything I'd been through. Exactly. He knew, and yet, he had a better plan than what I had for myself.
Going into middle school, still angry with God, I hung out with the wrong crowd. She was a great girl, but we constantly shot ourselves in the foot. Every other Sunday she wasn't there, and one Sunday when she wasn't Michelle(step mom) sat me between two eighth grade girls. I'm thinking "Oh dear God just strike me with lightning now." God had a better plan, than mine.
I started to slip away from my other friend and hangout with this group of people ,who most,I've known since second grade but was never really friends with. Those two eighth grade girls showed me what it meant to live for Christ and what his love looked like. At the end of September, early October I finally fell on my knees and said "God I can't do this anymore. I need you. I can't do this without you.", I truly accepted Christ that day. I got up with tears down my face, and arms around me, but the thing I got up with that I never had was Joy and Satisfaction.
I was baptized that December, but did it for the wrong reasons. So at the end of my Junior year I was rebaptized, because I wanted to become the person that he wanted me to be.
The waves started coming in eighth grade. Yeah, I had friendship issues before that, but those were tiny waves compared to what I was about to experience.
I had some major self esteem issues. I didn't want to be the center of attention, but I did. As one friend explained it once, the same girl that led me to Christ, said "it's just another knife." My eighth grade year mine was the knife of loneliness. I just felt so lonely, and began to feel that nobody cared. I never attempted anything, but the thoughts are enough. At the beginning of ninth grade two senior girls proved me wrong. They showed me that I wasn't alone and that they cared. No, it wasn't instant, but I did come out of the mind set that I was in, because of them. My wave of loneliness that held me down for a year finally let me rise to the surface and breathe. God showed me that showing someone you care about them can ultimately save a life (great movie by the way).
Just after my wave of loneliness let me up in August-September time, another wave brought me right back down in November.
I had a family member who pretty much went into the same mindset as I did, but they weren't, say, as lucky as I was. They did attempt about 8 or 9 times, and ended up, in what we like to call them, rehab houses 6 or 7 times. Through this time I was forced to strengthen my relationship with Christ, because he was all I had.
For my 16th birthday I told God that all I wanted was for my family member to come home, and stay home. The days came and went, with no signs that they'd be released. I got in the car on my birthday and was told that they were coming home that night, and they haven't been back to a rehab house since. No, it hasn't been an easy road. No, they aren't fully recovered. God could've easily had a different answer. His plan was still bigger than that though. My wave that had me crying out to Christ daily for a year and a half finally let me breathe on March 26,2012.
For a good year no big wave hit me. I thought, just maybe, all the big waves had taken me under and now it was only going to be small waves; that's a joke.
I had a family member who was on the highschool leadership team, told the youth group "How can you call yourself a Christian when you're out partying, sleeping around, and doing drugs?" Yet, they were doing exactly that. It was an on and off thing for awhile. They moved out, more than once, and I didn't see them for awhile at a point in time. I'd heard some stories about them, but I decided I'd ask them myself. They came to visit on my 17th birthday. I did say something. They looked at me and told me they weren't doing anything wrong, and all they wanted to do was follow God. A week later it came out that that was a bold face lie. I was so angry at them for so long. I wanted nothing to do with them. Said i had zero interest in being anything remotely close to what they were. I told one of my good friends that i felt like the only way God was going to be able to get their attention was by literally wrestling them, maybe dislocate a hip;she found that humorous,I was dead serious. Three and a half months later, after saying only two weeks before that I thought they'd never come back to Christ, they finally fell on their knees. I haven't seen so much repentance, sorrow, and love in anyone before. My big wave of hurt finally let me breathe. No, they're not all recovered, it takes time. But they're taking courageous steps to fall back in love with God.
So, Andrea what was the point of that?
Sometimes it may feel like your lungs are gonna burst at any moment and you're gonna drowned, but God never gives you more than you can handle.
Eventually every wave lets you up.
A song I feel goes perfectly with this, and I really just want to share is called You Matter. I didn't write the lyrics, someone in my family did, but I put chords to it(on the guitar) and I love playing it. I've been given the ability to play it as a worship song. How great is our God.
You Matter
I see you.
I see you.
You may feel people are blind
and you are invisible,
but I see you.
The silent tears are falling
and still your name He's calling.
He hears you in the middle
of the storm you can't see through.
He's there in the middle of the darkness.
You can't hide from His holy presence.
And child, I promise you,
He'll bring you through.
I hear you.
I hear you.
You may think the whole world is deaf
that you're not there,
but I hear you.
The silent tears are falling
and still your name He's calling.
He hears you in the middle
of the storm you can't see through.
He's there in the middle of the darkness.
You can't hide from His holy presence.
And child, I promise you,
He'll bring you through.
Oh...
that tunnel's so dark
and everything is shaking.
Feel like you're asleep
and wishing you'd be waking.
But sunshine will come
in the form of the Son,
and everything will be okay in the end.
I see you.
I see you.
You may feel people are blind
and you are invisible,
but I see you.
The silent tears are falling
and still your name He's calling.
He hears you in the middle
of the storm you can't see through.
He's there in the middle of the darkness.
You can't hide from His holy presence.
And child, I promise you,
He'll bring you through.
I hear you
I hear you
I see you
I see you
I, I, I see you
you used my song. :) that makes me happy.
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