Every wave lets you up eventually

I stood staring at the ocean,the water lapping at my ankles, waiting for the next wave, hoping it wouldn't take me under. For so long I was stuck under a wave. Every time I had the chance to come up and breathe another one took me right back under. They tell you not to fight the wave, but is that possible when your lungs are burning, just yearning for Oxygen? I felt so trapped; stuck in the middle. I felt like I had no choice but to let the wave push me down and down. And then one day, I learned that eventually every wave lets you up. It may not be when you want it to, but if you're patient, that time will come, and you can feel that crisp, cool air flow through your lungs.

Background:

At the age of 4 my parents divorced, and my dad remarried when I was 5. I lived with my mom until about 2nd grade. Honestly, it wasn't the greatest home to grow up in, it wasn't the safest. 

I definitely have trust issues. For the longest time I pushed away anyone who could have any positive influence on me. Though that habit isn't cured, I'm much better at controlling it now. In middle school it hurt some relationships though. 

I was said to have accepted Christ at the age of 4 and 9, but I don't think I actually grasped the concept of Savior AND Lord. So often people make Christ their Savior so that they can say they have a "free ticket out of hell", but fail to see that in order to truly accept Jesus you also have to make him Lord. I gave Christ the first part, Savior, but didn't understand the concept of the second. 

I'm a people pleaser and grew up acting like the good little Christian girl, but never truly had that relationship. 

In the fourth grade I had this best friend,which meant a lot to me because I was picked on In elementary school because of my eyes. She moved back to Tennessee at the end of the year and I hated God for the longest time. How could God do that to me? He knew everything I'd been through. Exactly. He knew, and yet, he had a better plan than what I had for myself.

Going into middle school, still angry with God, I hung out with the wrong crowd. She was a great girl, but we constantly shot ourselves in the foot.  Every other Sunday she wasn't there, and one Sunday when she wasn't Michelle(step mom) sat me between two eighth grade girls. I'm thinking "Oh dear God just strike me with lightning now." God had a better plan, than mine.

I started to slip away from my other friend and hangout with this group of people ,who most,I've known since second grade but was never really friends with. Those two eighth grade girls showed me what it meant to live for Christ and what his love looked like. At the end  of September, early October I finally fell on my knees and said "God I can't do this anymore. I need you. I can't do this without you.", I truly accepted Christ that day. I got up with tears down my face, and arms around me, but the  thing I got up with that I never had was Joy and Satisfaction. 

I was baptized that December, but did it for the wrong reasons. So at the end of my Junior year I was rebaptized, because I wanted to become the person that he wanted me to be.

The waves started coming in eighth grade. Yeah, I had friendship issues before that, but those were tiny waves compared to what I was about to experience.

I had some major self esteem issues. I didn't want to be the center of attention, but I did. As one friend explained it once, the same girl that led me to Christ, said "it's just another knife." My eighth grade year mine was the knife of loneliness. I just felt so lonely, and began to feel that nobody cared. I never attempted anything, but the thoughts are enough.  At the beginning of ninth grade two senior girls proved me wrong. They showed me that I wasn't alone and that they cared. No, it wasn't instant, but I did come out of the mind set that I was in, because of them. My wave of loneliness that held me down for a year finally let me rise to the surface and breathe. God showed me that showing someone you care about them can ultimately save a life (great movie by the way). 

Just after my wave of loneliness let me up in August-September time, another wave brought me right back down in November. 

I had a family member who pretty much went into the same mindset as I did, but they weren't, say, as lucky as I was. They did attempt about 8 or 9 times, and ended up, in what we like to call them, rehab houses 6 or 7 times.  Through this time I was forced to strengthen my relationship with Christ, because he was all I had. 

For my 16th birthday I told God that all I wanted was for my family member to come home, and stay home. The days came and went, with no signs that they'd be released.  I got in the car on my birthday and was told that they were coming home that night, and they haven't been back to a rehab house since. No, it hasn't been an easy road. No, they aren't fully recovered. God could've easily had a different answer. His plan was still bigger than that though. My wave that had me crying out to Christ daily for a year and a half finally let me breathe on March 26,2012. 

For a good year no big wave hit me. I thought, just maybe, all the big waves had taken me under and now it was only going to be small waves; that's a joke.

I had a family member who was on the highschool leadership team, told the youth group "How can you call yourself a Christian when you're out partying, sleeping around, and doing drugs?" Yet, they were doing exactly that. It was an on and off thing for awhile. They moved out, more than once, and I didn't see them for awhile at a point in time. I'd heard some stories about them, but I decided I'd ask them myself. They came to visit on my 17th birthday. I did say something. They looked at me and told me they weren't doing anything wrong, and all they wanted to do was follow God. A week later it came out that that was a bold face lie. I was so angry at them for so long. I wanted nothing to do with them. Said i had zero interest in being anything remotely close to what they were. I told one of my good friends that i felt like the only way God was going to be able to get their attention was by literally wrestling them,  maybe dislocate a hip;she found that humorous,I was dead serious. Three and a half months later, after saying only two weeks before that I thought they'd never come back to Christ, they finally fell on their knees. I haven't seen so much repentance, sorrow, and love in anyone before. My big wave of hurt finally let me breathe. No, they're not all recovered, it takes time. But they're taking courageous steps to fall back in love with God. 

So, Andrea what was the point of that? 

Sometimes it may feel like your lungs are gonna burst at any moment and you're gonna drowned, but God never gives you more than you can handle. 

Eventually every wave lets you up.

A song I feel goes perfectly with this, and I really just want to share is called You Matter. I didn't write the lyrics, someone in my family did, but I put chords to it(on the guitar) and I love playing it. I've been given the ability to play it as a worship song. How great is our God.

          You Matter

I see you.

I see you.

You may feel people are blind

and you are invisible,

but I see you.

The silent tears are falling

and still your name He's calling.

He hears you in the middle 

of the storm you can't see through.

He's there in the middle of the darkness.

You can't hide from His holy presence.

And child, I promise you,

He'll bring you through.

I hear you.

I hear you.

You may think the whole world is deaf

that you're not there,

but I hear you.

The silent tears are falling

and still your name He's calling.

He hears you in the middle 

of the storm you can't see through.

He's there in the middle of the darkness.

You can't hide from His holy presence.

And child, I promise you,

He'll bring you through.

Oh...

that tunnel's so dark

and everything is shaking.

Feel like you're asleep

and wishing you'd be waking.

But sunshine will come

in the form of the Son,

and everything will be okay in the end.

I see you.

I see you.

You may feel people are blind

and you are invisible,

but I see you.

The silent tears are falling

and still your name He's calling.

He hears you in the middle 

of the storm you can't see through.

He's there in the middle of the darkness.

You can't hide from His holy presence.

And child, I promise you,

He'll bring you through.

I hear you

I hear you

I see you

I see you

I, I, I see you

Stubborn Horse

I was Talking to my dad and telling him how Jax is galloping again(He got injured awhile back). I was telling him how he needs to finally take the bit, He refuses to take it. Stubborn Horse.
I then realized he reminds me so much of me. I'm so stubborn, its not even funny. And I came to the realization that we need to learn to be stubborn in the right way because there are good and there are bad ways to be stubborn.
I am stubborn with my Eyes and it's a good thing because I have proven my doctors to be wrong, That I can do the things they said I couldn't do. But I'm also stubborn with getting my way, I can sometimes not be flexible enough. I am stubborn with friendships and saving them and being loyal to them. But I'm also stubborn with forgiveness. See we all have good and bad aspects of stubbornness. You just have to learn which ones are good and which ones are bad and when to use that stubbornness. We need to learn to be stubborn for Christ. To not give up and save as many people as we possibly can, to spread the truth across this world. To be as stubborn as we can and get his good news out there and not just give up, but be stubborn about it. All too often we are stubborn for the wrong thing. We are stubborn for our selfishness and not are selflessness. We need to learn to be so stubborn on spreading his word that there's no doubt in a non-Christians mind that there's something different about us. I am stubborn about fixing and mending relationships but sometimes that stubbornness just makes things worse. Ive learned to step back and let a relationship heal even if I don't understand what is wrong with the relationship. See Jax is so stubborn about putting that bit in his mouth, that he doesn't see the beauty that can come from putting that bit in his mouth. If Jax would just put that bit in his mouth and let me ride him he would see the beauty that can come out of that companionship. We need to learn from Jax. To learn to be stubborn for the right thing; to be stubborn for Christ. Once we can be stubborn for the right thing, once we are stubborn for Christ, once we are stubborn in spreading his truth, and we are no longer stubborn for the wrong reasons, we can then see the beauty that comes from that. Don't be that negative comment of "stubborn horse", but be that positive comment of "that girl/ guy is so stubborn In spreading the word, I want to know what is different about them". Be stubborn for the right thing, and find beauty.

Thankful

1. family

2. friends that care

3. hugs that leave me breathless

4. contagious laughter

5. Mk's

6. staying up extremely late with 5 MK girls every night for a week

7. being called beautiful by Marlin

8. Holding Marlins hand like there is no tomorrow

9. college girls who listen to my heart

10. music

11. the inspiration MK's give everyone else

12. the unconditional, God centered hearts of MK's

13. Big Kennedys heart to lead worship

14. The beautiful heart Big Kennedy has

15. Lil Kennedy trusting me

16. the ability to pray for MK's

17. Going to the Ale house with MK's

18. the ability to tell Britt anything

19. staying up till 2am with britt listening to funny baby sounds

20. friends who fall off beds while laughing

21. Taylor swift getting me through the day

22. Boys who think loud burps, from girls, are cute

23. Kittties that cuddle

24. God holding a hand over Dellilah

25. Marlin jumping on the bed to wake Karah and I up

26. Wind blowing my hair BACK

27. breakfast for dinner

28. tuners

29. z88.3

30. Going to the airport for MK's

31. Nathan, Jon, Chad, and their wives

32. Boots

33. cool weather in Brasil in July

34. Walking around the airport with Marlins arm around me, and a sweet goodbye before she gets on her plane

35. cameras

36. technology

37. paper and pen

38. toiletries

39. sweet time with Willa when she came down in May

40. Talking to Willa until i cry

41. Marlin making sure i am okay and not leaving me alone until i am

42. An Uncle Bob who has a continuous heart for MK's

43. Butterfly kisses

44. Daddy who annoys me but gives the best times

45. Daddy's humor

46. a horse that teaches me lessons

47. neccesities

48. bringing up the panda joke

49. the bible

50. the ability to still see and have all other senses

51. toe socks

52. bonfires with friends

53. the ability to tease big odell

54. sweet talks and truck rides with big odell

55. Forensics

56. Same Heartbeat

57. silly things Lil Odell says

58. Hope

59. Snow in Ten. when i go,  but none in Florida when i come home

60. Big Odell and Thompson having beautiful voices

61. constant 8th grade girls at bible study

62. forgiveness

63. Miranda dancing

64. laughing until my sides hurt

65. toilets

66. dates with Marsha

67. smelling candles with Crawford

68. shopping runs with Wilikinson

69. Marlins tender heart

70. body spray

71. D.C trip with Lil Odell, Finlay, Moore and others from Church

72.Caffeine and chocolate

73. Renewal with Lia

74. Dancing with Britt

75. signing to a song with Lia

76. Jamming out to Taylor swift with Britt

77. Chick-fil-a

78. Kool-aid for hair

79. Cashews

80. Falling asleep against a wall with Katie Butts

81. Curling up on the floor next to Marlin with Butts and Brandhorst

82. Brasillian food

83. The word Sadaude

84. The word Bejaos

85. The fact that Big Odell cant keep her own secrets

86. Driving to the front of the neighborhood to say goodbye to the Kennedys

87. Guaraná

88. Viatnameese family who make great food

89. attacking aunt lisa

90. flicking food for Chowder to chase

91. Writing a perfect song with Whitemore

92. History classs with Britt

93. Picture time at the park with Jewett and Britt

94. Family gatherings at least twice a year

95. Being shorter than Marlin

96. Middle Marlins sense of humor and sweetness

97. Funny stories from MK's

98. Making cookies at Midnight with Big and lil Odell

99. Scaring Thompson when waking her up at midnight to go upstairs

100. MK visit for Thanksgiving

How can I?

I liked what a friend said the other day, "Its just a different knife". Its so very true. I felt that knife of Loneliness my eighth grade year. Now i have to put all my dependency on Christ to get me through this life, such an important lesson to learn.

 So many people tell me that I inspire them, whether its through how i live life with my faith or it being how i get by with my eyesight. I love hearing that. But i think i've got another roadblock at the moment. For awhile i think it was a simple,tiny speed bump,but now,its like a car accident. Almost every teen gets their permit at 15, and their license at 16. I on the other hand cannot do this, if i could id have it. I always dreamed of being able to do what all of my mentors have been able to do for me,pick a girl up, take her out,and just talk. Turning 16 and realizing this dream really will probably never come true bulldozed me to the ground. I wanted to be able to provide the same care,comfort,protection, and love my mentors provided for me,and i felt like that had all been taken from me,and the whole world just laughed in my face.


 As i talked to a good friend on Wednesday I just broke down. This wasn't something id ever truly expressed anybody before,mostly because everyone always told me i inspired them,so how could i let them down by showing the true colors of the situation? I mean, I know that it is by the doing of God that I am the way i am. I am thankful that i am not worse than i am. I am thankful that God gave the ability to glorify him through something that inspires others,but why me? I just want to be able to do what every teen has the ability to do. In every pregnancy i have a 50 percent chance of passing it on. As much as i am thankful for the opportunity I've been given and that then that child could have, this isn't something i want to pass on, because i know what its like. Its so hard. To anybody who doesn't understand, they just see somebody with a disability doing great at life. behind the scenes, i just wish God had made me differently. I want to glorify God through this, but i don't know how when i am so dependent on everyone else. My good friend just simply said, just focus on that first part.

 Peter Says in 1 Peter 4:7-11 "7 The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers. 8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 9 Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay. 10 God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 11 Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen." 1 Corinthians 6:20 says "20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

 Okay, so what does Glorify even mean? it means "to reveal" or "to shine". So to glorify him is to Reveal Gods saving grace to the world. To Jesus, glorifying his Father meant life or death. Jesus saw with spiritual insight that this most terrible suffering and injustice would shine God’s glory the brightest. Jesus’ desire to reveal the glory of God only burned hotter and hotter. And he knew that the result would be resurrection glory in God’s presence forever. When people face difficulties, they often try to escape their struggle by drinking or some other distraction. But this just makes us more powerless. For us, facing trials should be the time to learn to pray from our hearts for God to be glorified, like Jesus did. Jesus’ cross teaches us that it is possible for us to glorify God greatly through our trials and sufferings, and even through the tragedies in our past. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

 I still don't understand why God made me this way, but i probably never will. All i know is, no matter how i feel, if i continue to live for Christ,if i continue to praise him even as trials pass me by, i will always glorify his name.

Youre in strong enough hands now

we all feel so alone
like nobody loves us,and nobody cares
yet we forget about the very hands holding us
the one who will never leave us nor forsake us.and promises us that
we dwell on the lies we believe
but we can overcome these
the following song i wrote for the one i love,and am so heartbroken now to see her go through this,and would be dvestated if she chose to finally leave this earth.




Broken hearted
Feeling so alone
Wanting to rid of the world
Shutting yourself away
Never letting anyone in
Don't you think its about time to show what's within?

Please tell me theres a voice inside of you crying out for help
A painful feeling of being so in the dark
I know you're not strong enough
But whoever is?
baby girl please just keep on holdin on
You're in strong enough hands now

I know you feel so unloved
So uncared for
But lovley girl, can't you see lies are holding you down?

Please tell me there's a voice inside of you crying out for help
A painful feeling of being so in the dark
I know you're not strong enough
But whoever is?
Baby girl please just keep holdin on
You're in strong enough hands now

I see the light inside of you
Just trying to find a way out
don't give up
Kill those lies now
Fall into the arms of Jesus
And stop hurting yourself now

I know there's a voice inside of you
Just crying out for help
A painful feeing of being so in the dark
I know you're not strong enough
But noone ever is
Baby girl keep holdin on
You're in strong enough hands now

Baby girl don't give up hope
Keep holdin on
you're in strong enough hands now






love you baby sister <3

FootPrints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."


Someone today admitted that they didn't understand this. They didn't understand why God would do this. Why wouldn't he let us walk?
The only answer i have to that us Love. He carries us because that is when we are most dependent on him. He carries us because in the low times sometimes we dont have the strength to walk on our own. We cant do this alone. We need his help. It isnt wrong for God to carry us. It isnt wrong for someone to need and want his help.
Sometimes it seems like God isnt there ,but like that poem says, he is there;always. He loves you and wants the best for you.
He allows certain circumstances to take place for this very purpose. He longs for a relationship with you;what better way to connect when your Father is holding you close?